To my baby

I await you, my promised blessing.

You are my testament that even mumbled prayers, get answered. You are my spark for change. 

I will become healthy to accompany you through life. I will become a good daughter to my parents so that I can show you it is possible. I will become a better woman and find your father, my partner, my husband. And we will live happily like everyone. I will raise you up with goodness and thoughtfulness. I am ready, and even for those things I am not ready for, I am cofident I will get readied. I am happy to. 

I will light your way so you come to me as perfect as God willed you—the spark that will engulf my forest. Let me nurture you with my wisdom trees, hurt me with burns, and I will still watch you proudly like a Phoenix I can feel you are.

I have never cried so happily in my life. So publicly by myself. Trying to swipe away my tears, pretending they were sweat. It was an overwhelming feeling, with such sureness. Only God can offer me that feeling. And you were what He is promising. 

Yesterday I was telling my tita and my mom I haven’t gotten my period for six months. I gave up, I guess, being good to my body. It kept me thinking these days that maybe I don’t want a family—or need one —because of course, if it was important why can’t my motivation work. It is not that bad to get prescription, you know? Maybe I don’t want it as much—like a boyfriend, or getting thin. And it’s so funny and scary to me that all of those are linked to me having a family. And truth is, I haven’t really though if it for a while. 

My mom said she never had a monthly period. And that she didn’t marry my dad before getting pregnant because the Doctor said she might or might not get pregnant. And that she might have been the only person in Baclaran church that had premarital sex and wished she got pregnant. Dad wanted a baby, and she can’t just marry him without knowing. And mom—she got pregnant on that one try. :) 

I thought mom and I were really pretty similar. Not only on the hormones and period situation but also in praying. We don’t pray for much...we don’t pray for specific things that we might like to have....we pray for guidance and extension of patience. And most of all, we only pray for the things we really, really really want and promise to work hard to be worthy of the blessing.

Yesterday Mica and I were talking about how good I am at insights and prediction, and how I never prayed for things that didn’t feel right to pray for so my prayers are usually answered well. But i’ve always had the feelings in things and how they turn out. And I have accidental angel tongue. 

Today I went to serve mass and started praying in the road for God to heal me. 

When I came in church, there was a catechism for small children outside and not before long, they piled into church for the mass. They occupied almost all of the middle pews and sang loudly. They didn’t understand when to come in the music so they always started early. They looked and sounded so cute. 

Fr. John told of Pipit the little bird who loved worms. And it was so interactive, he asked the little children little things like the name of this and that. It was so cute. The energy that Fr. John gave because of the children was amazing..and I thought that is why, though they’re sometimes loud, I want children in mass. 

Fr. John then proceeded to tell of Pipit the bird who loved worms who wanted them without much effort that he daily exchanged a feather of his for a worm—and then whirl away from a cat with one powerful flap. One day he exchanged another feather for a worm but the cat ate him because he couldn’t fly anymore. He only thought of the worms he wanted and thought he needed,  and didn’t think that his feathers were more precious. 

He said that similarly, people find their own ways to satisfy the thirst only God can fill. What is your thirst? 

And all I kept thinking was, I want a baby, not now, but the sureness of a baby and a family, a promise. 

God will give it to you. Fr. John said. I cried a little bit more than I can confidently hide.

And then we stand up and all these kids started reciting “I believe in God”. And I can’t just stop crying. It felt like, “yes. Yes. I’m saying I’ll give you one.”

I am sensitive with words, and tend to doubt sweet nothings. I treasure and keep to heart only the most select compliments and promises. But I feel as though I was being prepped since yesterday to receive this message that I just cried happily in thanks.

I was tearing up while proclaiming the second reading. I was tearing up while the offerings were being given. I was head down full crying when peace be with you came and father asked everyone to shake hands. And I had to face all my fellow servers red in the face. I’m sure they were all curious, as to what I’m going through. And I couldn’t just say I’m just happy at the promise. 

So I await you, my little promise, my spark, my star, my phoenix, my tala. 

So you come as promised, ok? Mom is going to work hard now.