In Case I die

I don't want to die. And I have no bad thoughts of hurting myself and dying. But there's this unshakable feeling that I'll be dying soon.

I once sadly read a friend write that even though she doesn't want to die, she is ready. I remember not understanding it then. But now I have these small thoughts in me that are shockingly similar. And yet sadder. I just grumble in the irony.


I once thought about our time capsule, that we've been so late at opening. And thought that it would be a good idea to make one again and set it out for five years forward.

"would I still be alive then?" The thought crossed my mind. That, was scary.

And though I brush it off as a transitory thought, it maybe manifests subtly in my life. It's not that I want to. I just can't.

I can't get up, can't take showers, can't make progress, avoiding work, staring blankly, eating as much as I can despite knowing I should take care of myself. Not going to the hospital. Lying. Not going to mass. Lying. Crying sentimentally like a cancer patient.

Maybe I have a hormonal imbalance, or maybe God already decided to not bless me my child and I'm in menopause. Maybe I have a vitamin deficiency. Maybe I'm losing my mind from staying alone for so long. Maybe I'm just overreacting, it is just that I am lonely.

I read about it, maybe it's depression. They say it's a symptom of anxiety. That maybe it. But I don't know.

But in case I die, please tell me I did well. And that I was important. And I mattered. Even though I wasn't the type you can remember much about because I never had life experiences where I had to lean on someone to remember me by. Never felt safe enough.

Nor did I mess about on other people's life and got in the way. "Just one day" once had a conversation that went like this:

Other people are so good at Travel. But it's just not me
No one is good at Traveling. You just get in the way and that's how you travel

I felt that. I'm no good at traveling because I'm no good at getting in the way. It's the same for Travel, for Adventure, for Friendships--for Love and for Life. I keep telling myself to get in the way and bump someone, but I'm like one of those Canadians who open doors for the next people even though they're meters away from entering.

At best, I'm an afterthought. A Crumb of a life.

What a sad life. Being a supporting actress to your own movie. And strangely, weirdly, taking pride in it like a fool.

I hope it gets better. I'm sure I'm in the trough of my life cycle. My crest is somewhere in the future because it sure as hell wasn't in the past. I want to mean something. I want things to be mine, all mine. I want to live a long, long life. I really don't want to die.

But in case I die, I should do something for the people I love. I hope God grants me Time.